When bad spells happen to good people
by Find Me
Summary: Why is Xander wearing nothing but a shirt and neon jockeys? Why is Anya attracted to Giles? Why Is Tara throwing herself at Spike? Might it be a really weird sex spell? It's an odd day in Sunnydale, and it's all Dawn's fault. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters or places in this story that are from Buffy The Vampire Slayer, I only own the stuff that is obviously not on the show.  
  
1.  
  
"And no touching the wine, Dawn," Buffy said as she adjusted her hair. Dawn nodded mechanically as usual. "Alright. Ok. I never do." Buffy smiled and gave Dawn's hair a toussle. Dawn grinned back. Her sister was almost back to normal. Well, not quite normal, Buffy would probably never be normal again (and after all- what IS normal in Sunnydale, anyway?). But now that Giles had returned (even if temporarily), Buffy had been happier. Of course, it also helped that Spike and she were on much.. friendlier terms now, and Anya and Xander had reunited. They were all going out somewhere or another important now, and Dawn had chosen to stay at home. She grinned to herself as they hurried out the door. She was never one for details. She could care less about fighting right now. Right now, her sister only needed one thing to make her feel 100% fantastic.  
  
Dawn grinned to herself as she reached for one of Willow's older boxes. She had seen something in here a long time ago.. "Aha!" Dawn exclaimed outloud. "There you are."  
  
The next Day..  
  
Buffy tossed herself into a chair with the newest 'Cosmo', of course,  
  
with no intentions of reading it. She flipped through the pages in hopes of  
  
distraction but nothing could take her attention away from the thought at  
  
hand: Spike. Though they were close, there was still some things that needed  
  
to be said. Of course, Buffy had too much pride to say any of them. Sighing,  
  
she tossed Dawn's magazine. At the same time, a knock came at the door.  
  
"Come in," Buffy answered, blandly. Xander poked his head into the room. "I  
  
think there's something seriously wrong with me, Buffy." Buffy raised her  
  
eyebrows "So what else is new?" He shook his head. "No, seriously wrong. I  
  
mean, this is a BAD BAD moral thing..." Buffy nodded pretentiously.  
  
"Alright, so either you come in and tell me what it is, or you come back  
  
when you make more sense, Xander. I have things to do." Xander made a  
  
strained expression. "Can't.." Buffy had lost all patience at this point and  
  
jumped to her feet. "Dammit, Xander, spell it out." In a violent explosion  
  
of motion, Xander abrubtly flung open the door. Buffy's eyes grew about 2  
  
sizes bigger as Xander, still looking strained, struck a pose in his  
  
now-ripped-open button down shirt and his neon green jockeys. Unable to stay  
  
serious, Buffy burst into laughter and collasped onto the floor. "I...  
  
hahahaha... didn't even know jockey's that color exsisted!" She squealed. Suddenly Xander started to dance in a possesed kind of  
  
manner. He had a weird look in his eye "Xander, geez, what the hell is your  
  
problem all of a sudden?" Xander started to speak mechanically. "Buffy. I've wanted you for so long. Let me rub whipped cream and chocolate syrup all over you and give you a bath." Buffy continued to laugh. But then, in one abrubt movement he threw himself ontop of her.  
  
Anya's head jerked up. "What was that?" Giles glanced at the ceiling.  
  
"Somebody's having a tantrum." Anya replaced the old milk in the fridge with  
  
buttermilk. "So when do you have to leave again, Giles?" Giles shook his  
  
head. "I don't really know yet. Just until I have to go." Anya looked Giles  
  
over. For some reason, he looked much better this morning. Almost.. rugged.  
  
Anya shook her head and looked at him again. "Mmm.. yummy." She slapped her  
  
hand over her mouth. *Where on earth did THAT come from, Anya?* She thought.  
  
Giles eyed her curiously. "What?" "Mm yummy buttermilk. Hehe." Anya gulped  
  
down a glass. "Anya, you're a strange girl." Anya licked the liquid off her  
  
fingers. "Yes.. but you like me, right?" Giles looked up from his book just  
  
in time to see Anya rip off her shirt.  
  
Meanwhile, Tara and Willow... 


	2. Not a lesbian anymore

Meanwhile, Tara and Willow are finding each other immensely unattractive for no apparent reason, and since you're writer is not fond of fighting, and can think of NO IDEA for an argument, she will not write about that.  
  
Meanwhile….  
  
"My God, you scary demon woman, what on earth?!" Giles jumped from his sitting position, preparing to run away. Anya just giggled insanely and jumped on top of the counter in a mechanical dance motion, then, looking around, she grabbed the first available object- a feather duster- and placed it on Giles' head. While Anya attempted to do a strange exotic dance, Giles took the liberty of hitting her repeatedly with his large book. As Anya got ready to leap from the counter, Giles ran frantically from the room. Pausing at the front door, wondering where he might hide from the now-possessed Anya, he encountered Buffy, running the same direction, her red shirt torn open. In stared in rapture as she passed, and in a sudden frenzy of lust, he ran rapidly after her.  
  
Just about the same time, Anya found herself falling from the counter to the floor, still incredibly enthralled with this new, handsome Giles. She prepared herself for the pursuit, but, just as she began to get up, Xander ran past in neon jockeys, knocking her down again. Since Anya had a high tolerance of pain, she was only curious as to why her long term boyfriend stopped at the refrigerator, removed the whipped cream and chocolate syrup, and continued running with no acknowledgement of Anya. "I think we're all possessed," she murmured to herself, "But then, it's not like I care."  
  
Spike, meanwhile, was brooding in his crypt, watching TV that he wasn't really watching, when the door burst open and Tara stood there with a demented look on her face and nothing but a weird vinyl corset on. Spike, who, believe him, has seen a lot of weird things (in Sunnydale alone) but few things scared him more then Tara standing in his door with a vinyl corset. "Spike," she murmured quietly, "I'm not a lesbian anymore, and I want Vamps." Spike, frightened nearly out of his mind, sat rigid in his chair. "Oh my God, there is something terribly wrong here." 


	3. A missguided Giles...

Willow puffed as her feet pounded down the sidewalk. Tara and her weird preferences. Well, she'd just have to work things out later. *I'd better think about what I'd say," she thought to herself, "Um, I'm sorry, Tara.. for.. for..." Willow stopped *what had we fought about?* She thought sadly to herself. In a wave of amnesia she had forgotten. *How bizarre..* Willow played with the bracelet she was wearing and sighed. "Damn." When she looked up, she saw a flash of Buffy running past, who turned to give her a pleading expression. Willow prepared for what might be chasing her, but instead of a horrendous demon, it was much more horrible. Xander rushed by in brightly colored underwear, grasping syrup and whipped cream. Suddenly, Willow remembered her feeling towards Xander in the early days, and in one, swift movement she tackled him and brought him down. "Xander! Oh, god!" She found herself saying as she straddled him and took off the lid from the whipped cream. Xander shuddered, scared and afraid. "No! That whipped cream is for Buffy, and for Buffy alone!" Willow just laughed maniacly and sprayed it all over his face and chest. Giles dashed by. Anya dashed by.  
  
   
  
     Dawn yawned and stretched her arms. Another day. She glanced at the clock. Damn, it was late. 11am? She hardly ever slept in that late. She rolled out of bed and clobbed to see if there was any breakfast to be made. As she rubbed her eyes she noticed there was no one to be seen. She stopped in her tracks and called out, but their came no answer. She wondered if her plan had worked. As she entered the kitchen she began to see a trail of chocolate syrup leading towards the front door. She gasped. *Oh, god, another weird demon thing where nobody tells me anything about it?* She thought to herself as she quickly followed the trail to the open door.  
  
   
  
"Giles! Wait!" Giles kept on running, scared of Anya, but even more attracted to Buffy. At the current time, he wanted to rip her already ripped shirt right off. "Buffy! Wait!" Buffy halted and turned around. "It's me, Buffy, no need to be frightened," He said, somewhat out of breath. "Oh, Giles, thank GOD!" Buffy smiled, then turned to see where her pursuer had vanished, not noticing that Giles had started doing an odd booty dance while attempting to remove his shirt.  
  
"WHAT THE FUCK?!"  
  
*I'm asking you: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me feedback. I am a desperate mind seeking a reason to keep writing… please, please….. *sigh* And I DON'T MEAN YOU, Emily. * 


	4. Do a little dance.. ohhh, and handcuffs!

Meanwhile, poor Spike is frightened, but trying to keep his cool. "Tara.. now.. um, stay back.." Spike started to stand up as Tara brought from behind her back a pair of handcuffs. "Spike, do you have any vampy moves?" Spike's eyes enlarged. "Now, Tara.." Tara laughed a strange demonic, yet flirty laugh, grasped the arms of the chair and leaned over forward, right in Spike's face "So how old are you, Spikie? I mean, how many times have you had sex? MMmm? You don't ever have to use a condom, do you?" This frightened Spike no end, and he found himself leaning so far back in his chair that he fell over backwards. Tara groaned and twirled her handcuffs. "You anxious little vampie boy!" Spike jumped to his feet as Tara tried attacking him, and thought about hitting her over the head with a lamp, but then remembered that this was TARA, the lesbian girlfriend of RED, not one he often desired to hurt. He rubbed his head. What did he do? Tie her up in the basement? "Oh, Spike!" Tara sat up on the floor and grabbed his ankle. "BLOODY HELL!" Spike screamed, and tried running away, but she entangled herself around his legs, while humming the tune to Disney's 'Beauty and the Beast'. "What?! Is that supposed to be symbolic or something, you crazy lesbian?!" Tara just wiggled happily and tried to attatch the handcuffs to Spike's ankles.  
  
Willow was licking whipped cream from Xander's face, greedily. "Mm you delectible strawberry, you," She murmered as she wiped the cream from her own face and looked down upon him. "NO! NO!" Xander rolled to his side, knocking Willow from her position and allowing him to escape. "Release me!"  
  
At the same time, Buffy was cursing as Giles started to sing 'Get Down Tonight' as he shook his ass. She looked to see if Willow had followed, but all she saw was Anya speeding rapidly towards them. "GILES! GILES! COME BACK MY ENGLISH CUPCAKE!" Giles stopped his odd dance, and tried desperately either to finish removing or restore his shirt, but his head got caught in one of the sleeves and he struggled and hopped to get free, but to no avail. Anya grabbed him by the top of his head and threw him into a stranger's yard. Buffy looked to see if ther was anyone around and pondered what the hell she was going to do now. Xander rushed by. Willow dashed by. 


	5. Hmm.. a little seriousness. Clingy Anya!

Spike untangled himself from Tara's octopuss-like hands and legs, picked her up and flung her onto his table. "Good GOD! What the fuck is wrong with you? You can't just stop being a lesbian like that!" He tried to snap to demonstrate his point, but he was too frustrated. Tara looked at him seriously for a moment, then grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him to kiss her.  
  
Â   
  
Â Â Â Â  Buffy rubbed her aching head. There really WAS something terribly wrong here. A sex curse or something. Not only were people chasing each other around in hopes of it, they were totally ignoring their usual feelings. Anya didn't seem to mind that Xander was attacking Buffy. In fact, ANYA attacked GILES. Buffy stiffled a giggle. Giles was getting alot of action today! Buffy contemplated going home and finding Tara so she could un-do the spell But then she felt a little bad about leaving Giles in the hands of Anya. She spun on her heels and went to rescue him. She didn't exspect to find it so funny. Anya was dancing a mad dance around a sitting Giles, who still could not manage to free his head from his sleeve. He wiggled furiously and started to call out, but Anya just grabbed his head with her left hand as she continued her odd dance (Buffy later dubbed this the Demon Dance). "Um, Anya," BuffyÂ  raised her hand to remove Anya's from Gile's head. "I think you should leave Giles alone, Anya." Anya looked angry. "Just because you want him!? NO! Giles is mine!" Anya kickedÂ Buffy and threw herself into Gile's lap.Â Giles, who still could not see, cried out in surprise. Buffy huffilyÂ  pulled off Giles' sleeve and pushed his head through the properÂ hole. "Oh, BUFFY! THANK GOD!" Giles cried. AnyaÂ grabbed his cheeks like a little girl and started to sing a song something like 'patty cake' except much more dirty. Buffy sighed and realized it was no good, she would just have to find Tara to figure out what the hellÂ was going on. BuffyÂ turned around to walk away, but Giles, in a frenzy to escape hisÂ patty-cake partner, grabbed Buffy's anklesÂ desperately. "NO! NO! BUFFY DON'T LEAVE ME!" Buffy was incredibly annoyed at this, so she continued trying to walk. Left, right, left- Suddenly she felt more weight. She lookedÂ behind her. Anya had attatched herself to Giles's ankles. "NO! NO! YOU CAN'T TAKE HIM! I WON'T LET YOU TAKE MY NEW-FOUND ENGLISH MUFFIN! MY BANNANA CREAM PIE! HE'S MINE!" Buffy tried to take another step, but she wobbled from the weight and flopped to the ground. Anya laughed evilly. Buffy, who would not be defeated, began to crawl like an infant. TheÂ house resident poked his headÂ out, saw what was happening, andÂ quickly called the police.  
  
Â   
  
Â Â Â  "XANDER! YOU'RE ALL MINE, SUGAR LUMP!" Xander ran faster. "I didn't even know 'sugar lump' was a part of your vocabulary!" He shouted as he dashed faster, whipped cream falling from his face. Suddenly he heard a crash and looked behind him as he kept his speed. "Willow?" And then all went black.  
  
Â Â   
  
Â Â Â  Next thing he knew he was in a hotel room and Willow was dancing rapidly around the room with the soundtrack to 'Footloose', she was also awkwardly stripping. Xander rubbed his head. He had run into a lamp post. Xander felt something on his hand. AND HE HAD BEEN TIED TO THE BED! 


	6. Willow has her OWN exotic dance.. and Gi...

A/n: Sorry I haven't updated in all that long, I wasn't feeling very Buffy-ish. I've been pissed at Buffy. Anyway, I was just going to warn you of something.

    I love Giles, I really do (not in **that** way.. hehe), he's great. I'm sad they took him away. I'm also sad they never go into anything about Buffy or  the others having relationships with him. He never gets any action. SO I'm making up for that in this story. If you think I'm being mean to, and/or making a fool out of Giles, you are wrong. Although, that's fun too.. anyway, on with the story.

Willow smiled micheviously at Xander and started to remove her dress. "No no no," Xander struggled to free himself from his bonds. "I will not have this! No! NO WILLOW! YOU ARE A LESBIAN!!" Willow snorted, trying to laugh sexily. "Maybe not. Maybe I'm straight after all. Bisexual, even." With that, Xander gave a shudder. Willow snorted again, then reached over, whilest still dancing oddly, and turned off the lights. Xander writhed like a worm desperately trying to free himself as his eyes adjusted to the dark and he made out Willow's still awkwardly dancing figure. She started to sing a Huey Lewis song, since that was all she could think of, and she spun around at the appropriate times. Just when Xander began to suspect this might count as rape, Willow spun in a circle and banged into the wall. All was silent. Xander strained to see, but all he could make out were Willow's feet, and she was definitely knocked out. He breathed a sigh of relief and continued to rock back and forth, attempting to escape from his bonds and see if Willow was alright… and to find Buffy again. Buffy. Her beautiful name rang through his head. He gave a great heave forward and suddenly the headboard snapped like a toothpick, and hit him on the head. Dazed, he struggled to get up. His hands were still attatched to the headboard and he dragged it along behind him as he checked to see if Willow was breathing, with his toe. "Oh, good, still breathing," He said outloud, then hopped enthusiastically to the door and opened it with his mouth. He surveyed the street. Suddenly, he saw Buffy, Giles, and Anya dash by. ANYA? The name was foreign to him somehow. Oh well. It was Buffy he wanted. 

Buffy ran rapidly away from Giles and Anya, trying to decide what she should decide to do. She could deck them both, probably, but she didn't want to hurt them. She looked behind her quickly and made a short gasp when she spotted Xander, still in his favorite new jockeys, running frantically after them. Fantastic.

  As Giles pursued Buffy, suddenly he felt a heavenly presence. As if in a classic romance film, he stopped short and turned slowly to gaze upon his new fantasy: a certain young man in certain neon jockeys. Suddenly Giles felt very, very gay. 

    The sudden stop caused Anya to stop short, which sent her sprawling onto the object of her affection, Giles, and to uphold herself she grabbed hold of his pants, thus pulling them down to reveal his red, long underwear. Giles, in a scramble to get away, fell down and escaped without his pants.. wishing he had been wearing neon jockeys.

    Dawn hurried down the street to Spike's crypt, where she was sure Spike could help her and maybe explain why the entire Scooby Gang was missing. She chewed on her bottom lip as her shoes clacked against the pavement. Suddenly, she felt a hand on her shoulder, and she whirled around. "Angel?" She gasped, "Why are you here?" Angel waved away the formalities. "I have something very urgent to tell Buffy- it's a prophecy. It's been delayed for far too long." 


End file.
